don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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