the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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