Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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