3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
