So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
