I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
porn star boner night. come get it.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Randomize
