I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
