Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
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