I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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