I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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