So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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