i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize