Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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