now i know why i became what i already was.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
