Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
