I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize