just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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