When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
