These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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