When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
