i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
