i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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