i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
