this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
