I just made out with a guy for $7.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
