You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
