theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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