so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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