turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
