last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
