I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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