I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
