So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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