So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
