He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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