bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
