He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
