She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
