I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
