i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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