I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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