Tell her she can't have a vagina
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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