u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
