You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
