look no pants
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
