There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
