Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
