Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
