If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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