soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
