1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
