shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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