he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Randomize
