I'm sorry my penis didn't work
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Randomize
