Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
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