Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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