So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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